Intimacy

lately F has been keeping busy
and even on days when there is not much to say,
a lot is said in the silence that pervades
and a lot is shared over
bread and cheese on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Walls that speak

Kensington Market

The boy who ate the words...

80 clicks around the world--the #5 challenge!

I will not explain my disappearance from the blog world. A lot of time has gone by since i was last here. And a lot has changed, as most things do when time passes you by. I got consumed. Consumed with work, family, friends, home, routine and life in general. I forgot to pause and breathe. While still in the midst of all of this my ovaries decided to jolt me and i became pregnant. And last year July 2008 i was thrown into " the whole motherhood thing".

9 months of confusion and happiness later here i am, mother of a beautiful boy, Nyle.

But i would like to explain my reappearance. I have to admit i have been consumed with thoughts of blogging since forever now, but the final push came from a fellow blogger mom's tag. This tag has been a real challenge. The challenge is to share five, yes only five things, i love about being a mom!! And please try it yourself before rolling your eyes, cause it really isn't as simple as it sounds.

So the #5 challenge resulted in the following thoughts:

1. Discovering love as i have never known before: Growing up i never understood why my mother would stay up till i wasn't home at night or always be watchful of what I'm doing. I thought of her as a bit overbearing and over protective. But less did i know then what i know and feel now. It was all because she loved me. Loved me in inexplicable ways. Love that would take all kinds of different shapes and forms of expression. Because really, there is no one way of expressing it. Love that would not require replenishing. Love with no strings attached. Love that is truly unconditional. We usually see things not for what they are but what we are. And today i see my mothers love differently cause i am one myself. I feel love like I've never felt before. Love that is all giving and never expecting to receive. Love that grows everyday. Love that finds solace and peace in watching Nyle grow. Love that wants to smother and hover and yet watch him fall and rise from a distance. I love loving the way i love as a mom!
2. The Clark Kent syndrome: The Mom-Me is my alter ego, my second self, an alternate identity born upon Nyle's birth. A self that possess superhuman multitasking abilities, a self that i never knew i possessed or was capable of possessing. A self who can think for two people, who can take up innocuous fronts to fulfill ulterior motives, who can turn "with or without you" into a lullaby, who can be creatively entertaining, dramatically ripping my clothes for quick transference of character from Me to the Mom-Me. And this co-existence of the so many mees inside the one me has been very fascinating. I love that being a mom has been and will continue to be a self discovering journey. And each new discovery make me positively strong.
   
3. Distilled: Apart from the confusion of becoming a new mom, reaching the understanding that i will be right as many times as i am wrong and not knowing half the time what im doing, i had to grapple with the challenges of every one telling me what to do and what not to do. As if my becoming a mother has given other mothers old or new a license to trudge my hood. And this led to distillation. Distillation of the sense from the nonsense, distillation of comments, distillation of being judged. I have acquired the power of selective hearing. i can very easily ignore what i dont like and go on with life uneffected. I love that becoming a mother has given me the power to distill. Im happier distilling. and a happy mom means a happy baby!
   
4. Expecting the unexpected: The pre-mom me was a planner. Always expecting what was expected. But the Mom-Me has learned to expect the unexpected. I never planned on co-sleeping, or feed in public, i never imagined i would be the kind of mom who shows physical affection. And now i cannot imagine otherwise. Just when i think N has a sleeping routine he changes on me. The pre mom-me would ve completely freaked out at this, but the Mom-Me loves this twist. Its always a new, exciting twist and i love the unpredicatablity of what N has in store for me.
   
5. Broken conversations: Some charming conversations, discussions and friendships have been made since i ve entered mother hood. Before i became a mother i think i was too arrogant and self indulgent to pay attention to what moms had to say, trivializing the mother's hood and mother's life to household chores and routines. But i have met some very interesting women who have embarked on this journey of motherhood and have very interesting experiences to share and intelligent conversations to make. And even though these conversations are broken and interruoted by feeds and diaper changes, they are short and meaningful. I love being a mom cause its opened me up to a completely new world!

Here's my little angel who completes me!

COMPLETE

By George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...


how COMPLETE are we?

RED

i dont do drugs....
i just do COKE ...

"he does not need opium.he has the gift of reverie"
-anais nin

if i could i would....

Soyem

It is with great regret we announce the sad demise of Ailya Jaffri (Architecture graduate - 2002), an Alumnus, a colleague and a friend of the Indus Valley School of Art and Architecture.

She will be deeply remembered in all our hearts and we hope and pray that she finds peace and solace.

Her Soyem is being held at Mr. Zaidi's Residence, Appt. No. B5, Jason Luxury Condominiums (Opposite St. Micheal School Clifton) On Thursday 29th of September 2006 at 4pm.

we apologize that this mail might reach you late but information was passed on to you as soon as it was made available to us.

found this email sitting in my hotmail account which i seldom check...
did hear about her sister 3 weeks ago n got an email from N n a call from 2 other friends about Ailiyas death...
she was with me at indus but we were together in A levels as well...this as been such a shocker...
this is what life has been throwing at me lately news of deaths, betrayls, loss of friends, deceptions and lack of trust.

what is there to say at times like these...thus my silence...which im trying to break today and every day...struggling through it and lots more...but there s hope as long as there s love... and that makes me stronger!!

so.....
if i could i would....

just lie in my mothers arms and cry to my hearts content...
listen to her brave words of encouagement...
share with her the unsaid thoughts..
the unspoken words...
and when i have grieved...
she will leave...cause she knows she has given me courage once again...
she has shown me hope...
and she has given me strength to stand up on my own feet and fight...
and i am strong once again!!

IN-SPIRES

It all seems a lie
The time that flew by

The walk in the woods
Where time just stood

The dancing in the rain
When the hand was refrained

Somebody conspired
To leave me in-spires!!

S P A C E

take off your shoes and walk along a beach through the oceans last thin sheet of water gliding landwards and seawards. you feel reconciled in a way you would nt feel if there were a forced dialogue between you and either one or the other of these great phenomena. for here in between land and ocean---in this in between realm, something happens to you that is quiet different from the sailors nostalgia. No landward yearning from the sea, no seaward yearning from the land. No yearning for the alternative---No escape from one into the other...

aldo van eyck

knowing is not E N O U G H !!

photograph by F

at work someone had posted the following

"It is not enough to stare up the steps, we must step up the stairs."
Vaclav Havel

choice or manipulation

we SEE
HEAR
READ
SURF

we are being SCANNED
DIGITALIZED
PHOTOGRAPHED
FINGERPRINTED
IDENTIFIED
TRACED

MENTALLY BOMBARDED

COKE OR PEPSI
WALMART OR DOMINION
STARBUCKS OR TIM HORTONS
NIKE OR ADDIDAS
GAP OR CK
ADVERTISING OR BRANDING

MEDIA; an intervening substance through which something else is transmitted or carried on
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/media)
TELEVISION; the transmission of visual images of moving and stationary objects, generally with accompanying sound, as eclectromagnetic waves into visual images
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/media)
NEWSPAPER; yesterdays, stale congealed reality
RADIO; Communication of audible signals encoded in electromagnetic waves
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/media)
BILLBOARDS; "the city of tamara, you penetrate it along streets thick with sign boards jutting from the walls. the eye does not see things but the image of things that mean other things"
(Calvino, Italo. Invisible Cities)

these are all designed to " flood us with the kaleidoscopic soothing images of United Streets of Diversity and Microsofts wide open "where doyou want to go today? enticements....The real question is not " where do u want to go today?" but "how best can i steer you into the synergized maze of where I want you to go today?"
(Klein, Ann. NO LOGO)

we are constantly in zones of simultaneouity,
of transmission,
of transcience,
of being processed.

Reality is being manipulated and processed at all times and being trnasmitted to us in the form of leisure or labor, consumption or production. The media ecology is in constant struggle to slowly anesthetize the human brain.
We willigly or unwillingly leave fingerprints behind. Less do we know our tracks are being watched and then navigated in a certain direction.

"Well, i mean, yes idealism, yes dignity of pure research, yes the pursuit of truth in all its forms, but

there come a point im afraid where you begin to suspect that if theres any real truth, its that the entire multi dimensional infinity of the Universe is certainly being run by a bunch of maniacs....."
(Adams, Douglas. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

At cash desks you hear a voice: " your telephone number and postal code please"
As soon as you give out the information and they type in the numbers, consider yourself sucked into the abysmal system of digital manipulation. An infinite whole opens up in the fabric of the digital space-time database and u become a distinct part of an undistinguishable whole. this whole is the container of information. Your likes and dislikes, your brand of clothing, shoes, food, cellphone lines, books, music, art, religion...one swipe of your visa, debit, mastercard and you leave yourself exposed. These databases then become public corridors under constant survelliance.

are we making a choice?
are we making a choice?
are we making a choice?
are we making a choice?
are we making a choice?
are we making a choice?

YES, when it snows we can either shovel or make snow angels
NO, when we sedate our minds with the media, sit and absorb like "passive sponges soaking up spin-doctored accounts and sitcom solutions as unabashed truth"
(http://www.newevolution.org/gallery.php?piece=antid)
MAYBE, when we become aware, when we reach for the impossible and not settle for compromising--when we become less complacent. When we choose wisely !!

sharing of ideas, viewpoints, discussions---HOPE

Hi there !!
Well it has been a week since we returned wow feels longer.
I had a great time in Cuba I believe because of Fred he definitely brings
people out of there shells. I wanted to send you a few cds I think that are
very powerful in the words and intent. The night we talked about the people
in Pakistan and how that part of the world has been forgotten and of course
the other areas of conflict I was very impressed by your compassion both you
and your wife and knowledge. I guess you could say you two gave me hope
that with education and understanding we can and will make a difference in

our life times. If you would like please send me a address and I will
make copies and send them to you.
Let me know All the best Arlene McCormick Hamilton

F replied:

Galileo Galilee once said
"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him".
That has been the motto in my life. I am humbled that you found our
knowledge to be of essence. In meeting you I found that knowledge is
also still respected and now I am sure that there is a lot we will
share in the future. I feel that with education there comes
'responsibility' ...where understanding develops 'liberal ideals', both
of which are the essence of human hope. ..........

food for thought

sara: she did really well today
nicole: did u congragulate her?
sara: no not as yet
nicole: well make sure u do. "you dont ever want to become the person who does nt notice" (wink and smile)
sara: true i dont want to...

strangers in the night

loud screams
deafening screams..
angry retorts...
a n g e r
demonic thoughts...
d e m o n s
all engulfing evil..
violent actions...
v i o l e n c e
doors slamming...
name calling...

s c r e a m s
a n g e r
d e m o n s
e v i l

D A R K N E S S
S I L E N C E
L O N L I N E S S

doors closing
barriers constructed..
car screeching
long, dark road...
d a r k n e s s
empty turns
low whispers
wind blowing
endless paths
inner conflicts
self contradictions
t h o u g h t s...

world cup football--INSTRUCTIONS FOR WIVES

THIS MORNING I WAKE UP TO C A SURPRISE WAITING FOR ME IN MY GMAIL INBOX FROM F...
tv rules for wives till the 9th of july. im posting some important ones as follows:

• during the game i will be blind, deaf and mute, unless i require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if u expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor...it wont happen.
• please please please!! if u c me upset because one of my teams is losing DO NOT say " get over it its only a game" or " dont worry they ll win next time". if u say these things they will only make me agrier and i will love u less. remember u will never ever know more about football more than me and your so called words of encouragement will only lead to a break up.
• if u have to pass in front of the tv during a game, i dont mind as long as u do it crawling on the floor without distracting me.
• the replays of goals are very important. i dont care if i have seen them or i have nt seen them. i want to c em again. MANY TIMES. AGAIN N AGAIN
  
• you are welcome to sit with me and watch one game and u can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime scores pleasing me. in additiong plese note im saying only one game: hence do not use the world cup as a nice cheesy excuse to spending time together.
• THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION

a beautiful Cuban world

The city spreads beneath our feet as we tread through its cobblestone streets, history marked in their crevices by the blood of the great rebels, revolutionaries, martyrs, guerillas and activists. To walk into the narrow, labrinthine streets of Old Havana is to walk into color, history, architecture, music, magic, harmony and love. A caress of colors and warmth reflected in the vibrant architecture of the city. A swing into past and present threaded together by the grandeur of Spanish style buildings juxtaposed by the reinvigorating palette created by the new buildings.

This is only the begining of our visually stimulating adventure. As we get lost deeper into the city, i notice water being thrown on the sidewalk, an old woman sweeping it away with a broom. Dirt floating down the gutters, windows opening out ont the street, children playing hopscotch, cats licking off leftovers from the cafes,dogs lazing around sidewalks. How reminscent it is of home. A sudden, profound joy engulfs me in watching the crowd, the activities. Every turn of the street, every corner is a visual, intellectual treat. Cuba as a whole is a country rich in art, literature and architecture. Schools and libraries are a common sighting with a message from the governement saying "we dont want you to believe we just want you to read" (96% literacy prevails in Cuba today, with free medical & dental treatment). Everyone seems to be an artist with their own unique style. Homes converted into art galleries. I had the enriching experience of walking into some ones living room which was his gallery, his studio, his world. I was overwhelmed with the simplicity of his lifestyle, and that of all the people we spoke to.

Santa cruz the next day and Matanzas the day after had a similar flavor to offer. Santa Cruz being a small town gave an insight to the social set up of the country. A city of no logos, no treachery of advertisments, no billboards playing havoc with the mind. A collectivism, a unity, a socialism in a classless society. COMMUNISM !! No rush, no hurry. An unfamilar tranquility. A purity, a freedom. A nation devoid of the materialistic attachment to possessions and values. The mayor of the city going to the same ration store with the same ration card where the farmer or the doctor is going. A society free of illusions and delusions. No insatiable hunger for power, no class distinction. Freedom !! the whole nation has a tremeondous all engulfing sense of freedom. Not the superficial illusion of freedom we live in. It is the freedom of the soul, the freedom of the mind, the freedom of spirit.

in the words of the icon of revolution and liberation, the natinal hero, Che Guevera
"there is no other definition of socialism valid for us than that of the abolition of the exploitation of man by man." and in anotherplace he continues to say
"one of the fundamental objectives it to remove interest, the factor of idiviual interest, and gain from peoples pyshological motivations."

Here is to an exemplary nation. Here is to Cuba, to our freinds Yankeel (student and Physical ed teacher), Mr. Luis (Professor of Art History, Univ. of Havana), the beach bar lot, and all the other friends especially Ken and Gwen. To happy memories....!!

liberation

what a feeling of utter and complete liberation!!
i got my drivers licence today
passed the written driving test ...
i am now officially ready to come out on the road...yayyyy

The Libertine!!

Countess: anyone can drink.
Rochester:(Johnny Depp) yes. but few can match my determination.

Johnny depps done it yet again. For those who have nt seen this movie as yet pls dont waste a second. it is a brilliant piece of performance, art work, acting, casting, filmography, set design, and above all Johnny depp. He delivers the severeness of the dialogues, their wit, their cynisim with unbeatable passion.

it is the story of John Wilmot a poet, a cynic and debauchee, set in a sombre 17 th century England. it is about a man who cared for nothing, not even himself. its a portrayal of his last few days when his drunken and lechorous ways get the better of him. hair raising acting, intense and absorbing. watching the movie ure thinking do i hate him, do i sympathize with him, do i pity him.

its an emotionally moving work of direction and acting. and i think the movie seems to have done justice to John Wilmots work, his perverseness, his hatred for life, his lack of faith, his anger, his lust and his sad end.

".....that is my prologue, nothing in rhyme, no protestations of modesty, you were not expecting that i hope.I am John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester and i do not want you to like me."

a little something for a little someone

we prepared for you.....
we waited for you...

we talked about you endlessly...
watched how you grew inside mommy...
kicked and wiggled and danced...
u were happy ...
we were all happy...
we watched how mommy would nt stop eating.. mommy fell in love with daddy even more...
if she could she would eat him too...
she looked beautiful...
and daddy looked a little lost and confused but happy...

we heard your heart beating...
jumped with joy at each beat...
saw you curled up inside mommy....
could nt wait to have you with us...

and you have now arrived...
too bad khala missed it...
she was too far but shes with you and loves you...
and cant wait to cu and hug u and kiss u...
spoke to mommy and daddy...
their excitement was contagious....
mommy wants everyone to be pregnant....
but thats mommy...

N & O (my closest friends) had izdeyar 30 th march'06
hey guys love u and miss u lds...
wish i was there
this goes out to that time at jalal bhais khoka, O n my talks, and N n her tantrums...

what r friends for?

a friend send this to me the other day... there s too much truth in it ;)