how much does your life weigh?

"make no mistake, your relationships are the heaviest components in your life"
Ryan Bingham, Up in the Air

i love traveling but i hate packing. flying makes me anxious. i hate going through the check in line, immigration, body search and you know the drill. so when i arrived home after a full day at the spa courtesy of sister, who baby sat N and took care of packing three suitcases, all i had to do was shower, change and look good for a 14 hour long flight.

i ran a quick and final check through the room i had occupied the last three months at my parents house. bedroom-empty. bathroom-empty. closets-empty. drawers-empty. suitcases packed and waiting for me at the door. and by empty i mean devoid of my belongings of course.

so now that all my belongings were safely packed away then why did it seem there was still something missing. after three months away from home, work and my life i had been super excited to get back to some normalization. why was it then that i felt incomplete. like a big part of me was left unpacked. something very precious to me was not in those suitcases.

i could hear my parents and sister playing with N, making the most of these last few moments with him, capturing his every move in the camera of their minds. and it made me realize what Clooney so aptly put into words in Up in the Air, "how much does your life weigh?". and after all the knick knacks were packed away in those suitcases that stood there silently, constantly reminding me of the goodbyes that were to follow. what remained were the "....people you trust with your most intimate secrets. your brothers, your sisters, your parents.....You get them into that back pack, feel the weight of that bag. make no mistake, your relationships are the heaviest components in your life."

and we said our goodbyes. i went through check in. my luggage was not excess. but i felt very heavy. "how much does your life weigh?" at that point in my life it was excess by three months worth of memories, love, arguments, laughter, tears, friends and family, in which every second was lived a hundredfold its actual potential. im back now with a heavy heart but fond memories.

mama i you...

all this while i had been waiting for him to say "mama, i love u"....
how could i not see what i needed to hear was already being said

p.s: he has started saying the words too now
"mama, i u"
and love is in the actions

pics courtesy of Nariman Ansari
firefly photoworks

6 years and a Nyle later...

......i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. i love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride; so i love you because i know no other way
--pablo neruda

6 years ago there was so much to say...
6 years later there is less said and yet so much felt....

heres to us,
heres to love & marriage,
heres to so much more.

corner view: contrast

"there was always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and
bewildered, who felt she was drowning and the other who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknessess, helplessness, despair and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, interest"

--anais nin

cont-rast [n. kon-trast]
-noun
opposition or juxtaposition of different forms, lines or colors in a
work of art to intensify each
element's properties and produce a more dynamic
expressiveness

find more contrasts here

euphoria 31

swirling life

somewhere in the midst of living and dreaming, somewhere in the midst of growing and learning, one more year added itself to my big 30. this year promises to weave some more dreams and to live the dreams already dreamt. a year that started through a midnight kiss and a warm embrace from a best friend who also happens to be my life partner. a year of continued wonder and bewilderment at the speed of time, the speed of growth and the need to catch every passing moment of Nyleness.

November falls right at the turn of a season. it reminds me of the smell of winter back home, childhood friends and family and makes me nostalgic. and since it also happens to be my birthday on the first of each November, this is also the time of the year that makes me contemplate on the whole idea of birthdays and celebrations, gifts and expectations. people always want to know how your birthday went, what did your loved ones do to make it special for you, what gifts did you receive, basically how eventful or uneventful was your life on this day when you came into the world. i like birthdays because i love celebrations, food, music, laughter and friends.

but this year seems a little different. this year these queries made me think that my loved ones dont really need to do anything special to make me feel special(not a new revelation, just a stronger one)they do it just by being there. loved ones will not just leave a message on facebook but try to reach me in person. they will take out time to call. they will make efforts to get every one together so we can celebrate. happiness really is such a simple concept. it can be found in simple gestures. it can be husband preparing breakfast or coming home to a clean house with the incense burning, again courtesy of husband who knows i find pleasure in small details.

it can be friends calling from around the world, it can be family singing happy birthday over the phone in the most un-synchronized tune. it can be a steak dinner with great friends, nyle refusing to sit in the high chair and husband not eating so he can entertain nyle while i eat, and a cake appearing at the end. happiness is chatting non stop with your best friend about anything and everything. it comes in emails from brother who is usually not very expressive "sara is 31 now! wow my sisters 31 and the mother of a child and still very cool!". happiness is dropping all guards in front of sister and complaining to hearts content without being judged. of course happiness is also in husband dropping me here saying shop till you drop. a girl can never have enough shoes can she?

conclusion: happiness, birthdays, celebrations and above all love manifests themselves in subtle ways. it creeps up with subtlety, it grows silently. it doesnt have to be loud, it doesnt have to be publicly displayed. if its there, it will show itself in your gleaming eyes, it will show itself in giving eachother space, it is in actions, it is in content smiles, its in trust and its in your heart.

at 31 i want to live more, love more, dream more, play more and grow everyday with the ones i love and settle for nothing less of euphoria!

corner view: water

i saw gigantic water drops stuck in a glass window
capturing life in its reflections

empty your mind, be formless, be shapeless-like water. now you pour water into a cup it becomes the cup, you pour water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you pour it in the teacup, it becomes the teacup. now water can flow or it can crash. be water my friend.
--anonymous

free your mind
&
check out more water creatures here

when the girls get together....

there will be journeys of the hearts: image kelly rae

there will be Coco Avante Chanel,
there will be drinks and gelatos with warm chocolate syrups.
there will be talk of world and religion,
there will be talk of love and marriage.
there will be talk of inner conflicts and sorting thoughts
there will be talk of birthing miracles and raising kids,
there will be talk of fashion and shoes
there will be dreams shared and uncontrollable laughters with tears
there will be a full night of binging without a care,
there will be pumpkin pies
and sleepy eyes
and above all there will be good times well shared!

this was a weekend dedicated to the girls
and as girls will be girls there was all of the above and so much more.
Thank God for good friends!

corner view: dreams

dreams are brains way of building a cartography of thoughts, images, emotions, ambitions
and mapping them out in the sub conscious. i use dreams to list and store and
return to them one by one, from time to time. i then let the conscious sort them out
and find ways of making them possible.
i believe all dreams can come true, you just have to push yourself that extra mile and the next thing you know you are LIVING your DREAMS

talk of dreams always brings this tune to my head.
enjoy dreaming...
and find more dreamers here

much needed....

after the craziness of this month is over i will need:

• to park myself somewhere and breathe.
  
• to take a vacation.
  
• to step away from work.
  
• to get some sleep.
  
• home cooked food.
  
• manicures and pedicures
• to pick up a book and hide in a corner
• to switch my brain off while it rejuvenates
• to not think design
• to just photograph more
  
• to go shopping and buy shoes
• get back to friday dinners with my girlfriends
  
• to watch a movie with husband
• to play with little N without interruptions and....
• just simply indulge

hope every ones having a restful weekend!

a meaningful love affair

this is a story of a love affair that started 6 years ago. an affair that makes me feel 10 years younger. it makes me feel fresh and beautiful, hip and chic, all at once. and overtime it has blossomed into more then just an affair of love. it is a commitment, to the self and to the world. it is a commitment to the present and to the future. it is an affair with a profound meaning. it is a vegan kind of affair, that is green and uses upto 55 recycled bottles. it is a matt & natt kind of affair. and its message is:

CHOOSE LIFE CHOOSE POSITIVITY

CHOOSE THE GOLDEN RULE
CHOOSE TO BE AT PEACE WITH
YOURSELF CHOOSE SALVATION
CHOOSE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
CHOOSE TO BE DIFFERENT CHOOSE
TO BE A REBEL CHOOSE TO BE FUNKY
CHOOSE TO BE YOURSELF CHOOSE TO
CREATE A FASHION STATEMENT

their bags are not just super cool but also environmentally friendly. i have to be honest im not a 100% environmentalist but i try wherever i can. i guess my love affair with matt & natt brings me one teeny tiny step closer to that. and even though there are a million reasons why i love matt & natt (and trust me so will you once you see their collection) is also because it has grown with me and adjusted to my needs. it has been with me from being a university going student when i first discovered it 6 years ago, to a working professional and now, as a mommy i use one of their man bags as a diaper bag. what you see above is my latest addition, a gift to the self just because...umm...well i couldn't resist the feel of it on my shoulder!

the above message is also my note to a pink Thursday.
all serious daring starts from within
-joan baez

corner view: love

love is...
...in post it notes where you least expect them
...in memories that always bring a smile
it is where the heart is...


there is more love to be found at spaindaily

a balancing act

the last few months have been about new beginnings for me. i like new beginnings. i find they are exciting, refreshing, motivating and they keep you going. my new beginnings have been in my personal life, my professional life and my online presence, to name a few. some beginnings have been experimental and some more serious. some merely for the self like this blog and some a creative outlet.

and i see more to come soon, like another blog,(shhhhh, still in the works) that will be a creative outlet on a more impersonal and less narcissist level then this blog. my first real, photography project that will show itself next week, and some more professional growth, also in the works since it requires some pre-req exams that i will be writing for the next few months. and in less then 3 weeks i will also be hitting the 31 mark! wohoo!

last week was another new beginning as i launched my website and am now officially open for business. this has been an interesting experience with all kinds of goodness and weirdness that has come my way from all directions be it family or friends. a lot of oh i was thinking of starting the same thing or oh how will you run your own business with a baby, or most favorite are you getting any paid projects or are these all favours for friends!! and the worst kind what if it doesnt work. God knows thats been my biggest concern. but i guess i ll never know till i try, now will i....

what is also exciting to see is that so many mums i know are suddenly pushed to do something with their lives. a sudden momprenur-ness is in the air. i guess you need one doer around to create a ripple effect. i have been getting phone calls asking for tips and guidelines on how to start a business, the legalities involved, the time management, the work-home balance, is it worthwhile, how much capital this, that, the other .

and for this i would just like to say one thing I DONT KNOW, I HAVE NO ANSWERS! please dont make me anxious, please people if you have nothing good to say dont say anything at all. please back of and let me breathe, let me enjoy my very short lived celebrity moment of the ohh and the ahhs. please dont get me wrong i will help and i have already taken on a few on my little work ventures and am guiding a few others with whatever little knowledge i have. but geezzzzzz im no rockstar!! i just started, how do you expect me to have the answers when im still searching for them myself. give me some space, give me some time to grow, give me a chance and let ME give ME a chance as well!!(phew, there i said it aloud and felt mighty good saying it).

maybe im being intolerant towards my surroundings, maybe people are just expressing their excitment. but the newness of this is quite overwhelming for me. and i dont know where this will take me. maybe this is an experiment, maybe i will fail or maybe and hopefully i will succeed and eventually achieve my very simple retirement dream #14. who knows. its something i have always wanted to try and that's what im doing. and her i CAN say something, that its totally worth following your dreams, because in the end and whatever the end may be you know you gave it a shot. and that for me is a life lived.

i know there are some very successful momprenuers out there, some women who work hard to achieve the work-home balance and some others who dedicate themselves to building their homes. some inspiring women who are doing good just by being themselves and what they do best. and so many, so many more. and i admire them all just the same and aspire to be one of them. i want to be a doer and i want to have no regrets in my life. i want to achieve balance online and offline. and this balancing act is not easy, but looking at all these women around me is like a driving force. if they can do it why cant i...

so here i am this Sunday morning sharing with you some thoughts and some new beginnings and wishing all the women out there, all my friends in the blogosphere, and all of those performing the balancing act, the best always.

do check out my website when you get a chance and feedback is more then welcomed. spread the love, spread the word!

Nyle 1.0

This weekend i attended a friend's daughter's first birthday and the parents' frenzy and excitement reminded me of little N's first which was July 14th.

I remember how i drove myself crazy making sure each and every detail was taken care of; the invites, the favors, the theme, the colors, the cake, the food and the decor. It was like being back in school working on my thesis, staying up late nights, making lists, listening to Dave Mathews, drinking coke and coffee. Planning, planning and lots of planning.

Family supported me, friends thought i was being ridiculous but stood by. You see, i didn't really leave them with much of a choice.

The result; well why don't you see for yourself. Here goes,

postcard invite designed by a dear friend who lives at
love,paper & ink.
these were hand written and mailed out to all our friends

behind the scenes: the night before
food prepared by my best friend
who flew all the way from DC just for this

sunshine, fresh flowers and shades of turquoise and lime
cutlery and napkin holders hand made out of paint color cards from Home Depot

the candy bar on our lovely patio

colorful candies from bulk barn

god is in the details

did i mention the theme was "robots and monkeys"....

.....thus the cake and the cupcakes by a dear friend : yes she is multi-talented!

the personalized favors with each child's name stamped on them...

from Nyles personal thank you stickers collection

and a slightly confused turquoise Nyle at 1.0

Hope you all enjoyed the pictures as much as i enjoyed sharing them.

Sharing these memories also made me realize that i am blessed with a great bunch of friends, my best friend whos always been there for me, my family here and back home and of course above all F whos been remarkably patient through my "everything has to be perfect" syndrome.

ok now before this post turns into an Oscar award speech i must take leave with just one thought
"it is better to appreciate what you have rather then focus on what yo dont, to count your blessings, and feel happy for others, rather then waste time and energy doing just the opposite"
-urbaniche's lame attempt at creating a quote

signing out right about now....

state of mind

Thompson Landry gallery: my latest gallery crush
center painting reflection on glass window

thoughts racing,
brain finding it hard to keep up
nights happily sleepless
eyes closed but mind awake
thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts permeating the thin membrane of the mind
floating thoughts,
blurry thoughts,
moving thoughts,
racing thoughts.

notebooks,
black and white pages,
pen and ink
thoughts being inked,
thoughts being listed
ideas, images,
brainstorming..

what could this be..
a moment of inspiration
a spark of light,
a burst of creativity...

happy falling

Summer has been trying to say farewell for a while now and i think it finally has. signs of change were visible in our morning walk today.

All the senses seemed awakened by the rustling of the leaves under the feet, the mellowed sun, the chill in the wind, an uncanny calmness and a general slowing down could be felt in the atmosphere. And much to my surprise, i liked the sight of the world slowing down around me, as if taking a break, allowing the change to seep in, bowing down to the call of nature. Fall is undoubtedly, my favorite

because with fall comes:

• the right amount of cool temperature: tolerable and kind
• a burst of color: orange, rust, red
• my lovely tan shoes
• hot chocolates and more coffee
• shorter days and longer nights
• season of mist and mellow fruitfulness
• visits to museums: a spectular photography exhibition at the ROM, Vanity Fair Portraits, photographs since 1913-2008, to be attended
• a free all night contemporary art thing
• photography in a different
• addition of the number one to my thirty
• scrabble nights with friends
• pink: the national breast cancer awareness month if October
  
• small: because October is all about small is the new big (more on that later)
  
• and a whole lot of loving, laughter and living with the ones we care for

stillness

everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. if we are frantic life will be frantic, if we are peaceful, life will be peaceful.
-Marianne Williamson

hapy October and happy fall!

i found "a beautiful revolution"...

....and i had to share

Reading this message (which has now found a permanent place on my blog to your right)i realized how easy it is to get wrapped up in things, material things, labels, achieving, struggling to achieve, goals we set for ourselves, the race we put ourselves up to, one after another and yet another. And in this struggle to climb higher, to win, to battle, to prove, we keep getting sucked in deeper and deeper in this abyss, this well that we dig for ourselves. And we get devoured. And we forget.

We forget what it means to just be ourselves. To truly be ourselves and not what other want us to be or how we want others to perceive us as. We forget to look within, to find inspiration in the simple, to find inspiration in ourselves, to have the strength to face our fears. We forget to have the strength to speak our own words, our own language, to speak words that are truly our own.

Here’s to being ourselves no matter who we are. Here’s to recognizing others for what they are no matter who they are. Here’s to writing words of honesty, and here’s to a beautiful revolution!

Note: im a little peeved out about something and at someone today but since i promised myself to stay positive i thought ill vent positively as well. Here's to staying positive !!

Spanish holiday

the city view from the palace; generalife

Briefly blogging about my Spanish holiday the other day forced me to go through some of the photographs of our memorable vacation. I thought I will share some of the adventures with my readers and begin right from the end: Alhambra, Granada; the perfect culmination to a Spanish retreat; the epitomy of islamic architecture, romantic, surreal, spiritual and poetic. I’m also sharing some of the pictures that survived the ill-fate of our Nikon experiment, that don’t do justice to the surreal beauty of the palace.

column detail,ornamental relief, interior

I will not say much as words are not enough. I will let you bask in the reverie of the palace, let imagination take flight, let your thoughts travel back in time, walk through the cool and windy courtyards, delicate and slender columns and arches, enchanting gardens and let you reflect in the glittering pools that are embedded in my memories forever.

“We seem lifted up into a purer atmosphere; there is serenity of soul, a buoyancy of spirits, an elasticity of frame that render mere existence enjoyment..” excerpt from one of the most well written books on the Alhambra that we picked up from their bookshop, Tales of the Alhambra, W. Irving, that you can read here.

courts of lion

And i know i said i won’t say much but i couldn’t resist sharing this from the above mentioned book, “The peculiar charm of this old dreamy palace is its power if calling up vague reveries and picturing of the past, and thus clothing naked realities with illusions of the memory and the imagination. As i delight to walk in these vain shadows, I’m prone to seek those parts of the Alhambra which are most favorable to this phantasmagoria of the mind, and nine are more so that the court of Lions and its surrounding halls. Here the hands of time has fallen the lightest and the trances of Moorish elegance and splendor exist in almost their original brilliance.”

arch detail

More to come on the rest of the cities we traveled to. till then i hope you enjoyed this. a lot many times i had heard people tell me that you have lived if you have visited the Alhambra. i understood exactly why after this.